I think a mistake has been made. Four weeks ago, I was promised a golden age. However, my experience has been far from golden. To be sure, I’ve had gleaming encounters that showed promise. Such as –
– An afternoon with my 17-year-old daughter where –
1. she wasn’t compelled to tell me all of the ways that I impede her development into adulthood, and
2. I managed to avoid explaining to her what an adult is and how they should behave.
3. We weren’t vaporized by a radioactive lizard (more below)
– A robust and insightful dialogue with a delightful young nursing student at a local cafe covering everything from the Department of Education to social capital to treating kidney failure.
– The availability of eggs
But these occurrences, pleasant and heartening as they were, do not a golden age make. Especially when accompanied by
– confirmation of a crackpot to overlook national health.
– don’s Ascension to art and culture influencer.
– Whatever Elon Musk is/is doing
– The cost of gas/groceries.
To that last point — it’s not so much that groceries cost more, which they did. Rather, it’s the fact that the don has not delivered on his promise to “rapidly drive prices down and make America affordable again”.
As I mentioned with eggs, availability has improved, but the price has not. As of Valentine’s Day, a dozen unfertilized chicken embryos cost five American dollars and 46 American cents at my local Wal-Mart. The week before that, they were nowhere to be found in sets of a dozen. Two weeks before that, those beloved breakfast ovals would set you back about 35 cents apiece or $4.17 for a dozen. That’s an increase of 31%.
More about WIC here:
GAR Week 3: The Value of Adding Value to Others
I have come full circle to the previously mentioned mistake. Now, I don’t know about you folks, but I have never lived in a golden age before. Maybe someone who has will tell me if things are supposed to be more expensive and getting by should be more difficult. Is it my fault for not understanding? Did our copper-toned Messiah lie to us? Does he not know what a golden age should be like?
I think it’s time for some fun facts about golden ages. Most are characterized by a combination of the following –
1. Relative peace¹
2. Scientific/technological advancement/ Investment in infrastructure
3. Cultural expression
4. Artistic achievement
5. Rational thought/ Intellectual expansion
6. Prosperous trade/commerce
Some of these can be nested inside the others and depend on advances in one area to give way to conditions suitable for the development of another. For example, the Egyptians of the fourth dynasty had to be at peace to have the manpower to build pyramids. Moreover, there had to be significant investment in infrastructure to feed the army of builders and pay the legions of stone cutters (a position made possible by greater scientific advancement).
Pyramids that reach the sky are great and all, but what about the ones that stretch down, down, down? In the third century CE, the industrious human people of India brought their collected knowledge of agriculture, astronomy, and architecture to bear to build “stepwells”
“to guarantee a year-round water supply for human needs, particularly in the arid regions of northwestern India where the water table could be inconveniently buried 10 stories underground.”
Aside from checking all the boxes concerning ingenuity (#2 and #5 above), I think we can all agree that they killed it on artistic achievement (#4), which is a crucial component of cultural expression (#3).
The Rolls-Royce of the artistic/cultural golden age would have to be the Italian Renaissance from roughly the 14th century to the 16th/17th century. During this period, there was a guy named Michelangelo who, aside from thwarting Shredder and his Foot Clan with his nunchaku skills, painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Likewise, his brother-in-arms would use his mastery of the katana to save April from those low-rent thugs, Bebop and Rocksteady, then use his mastery of the paintbrush to paint masterpieces like The Last Supper and The Mona Lisa.
I could continue — the Islamic golden age stretching from the 800s to the mid-1200s. The Tang Dynasty in early China. The point is that one doesn’t just proclaim a golden age, especially at a time so fraught with conflict, conspiracy, and ignorance.
All that said, I think I’ve discovered the guiding concept of The Golden Age Reviewed. I’m condensing the above categories into three domains –
1. Atmosphere (trade, foreign relations, political climate)
2. Cultural Contribution (art, literature, government, philosophy, etc.)
3. Ingenuity (achievement(s) in science, mathematics, engineering, architecture, etc.)
It is my intention to rate and review the whackadoo shenanigans of president spray-tan and his superfriends based on all or some of these criteria.
For my first review under this framework, I’d like to rate trump’s ascent to the chairman of the Kennedy Center. Particularly, I’m concerned that herr don doesn’t possess the artistic depth or the creative acumen to maintain and advance
“The goal of the Kennedy Center,”
which, according to previous chairperson Deborah Rutter,
“has been to live up to our namesake, serving as a beacon for the world and ensuring our work reflects America.”
A concession stand that serves only Diet Coke, KFC and Big Macs between performances of Birth of a Nation and “YMCA” on an endless loop isn’t the best reflection of America if you ask me.
I’m also going to rate on a scale of five topically relevant emojis. I’m not sure if a rating of 0 is possible, but I feel like it should be an option in particularly egregious cases. As impudent as this usurpation is, I’m going to give president combover one crayon (the pinnacle of fine art for ol’ donny) for not shutting the Kennedy Center down entirely — something Hitler might have done².
WEEK 4 CULTURAL CONTRIBUTION RATING: Kennedy Center Takeover:
Speaking of things dictators may or may not do, leader butternut squash parroted the notoriously irreverent (and notoriously undersized) French dictator Napoleon Bonaparte in a recent “truth”, stating: “He who saves his Country (sic) does not violate any Law (sic).” I’m no lawyer, but as a grammarian and writing teacher, I can declare with certainty that he is violating written English with his wayward capitalization. In fact, I’m taking half of the crayon for his assault on language, arguably our most critical piece of culture.
As if that’s not bad enough, he continued to threaten countries, including our neighbors to the north and south, with hefty tariffs…
Now I don’t want to (but probably will) go into a long tear(iff) about tariffs and who pays them, so here’s an abridged definition from Masterclass.com: Tariffs
“[help] governments protect domestic industries from foreign competition while also raising revenue…In theory, it’s a way for governments to boost the domestic economy while reducing their trade deficit…
…In practice, it’s much more complicated. Increasing prices (remember, a tariff is a tax) can lead to a reduction in GDP in the short term, as goods and services become more expensive for consumers. In the long run, protected industries may also become less efficient or innovative due to a loss of competition.”
Translation — consumers lose, exporting country loses. But he hasn’t followed through on them yet. I’m not sure what his endgame is…
WEEK 4 ATMOSPHERE RATING:
“Donaparte”:
International lunchroom bully (Tariffs):
I’m not sure how to transition to the final category, so I’m just going to spill it — he put a vaccine-denying, roadkill hoarder in charge of our health…but RFK’s response to COVID probably would’ve been better…
WEEK 4 INGENUITY RATING:
Alternative medicine
WEEK 4 AURUM
Aurum is how the Romans said “gold”. This space is for a personal experience that was truly gold.
I’m giving five smashed fiery buildings to the Japanese and Godzilla. As I’m sure many parents know — raising a teenage girl is hard! But it’s not too much for a giant, radioactive energy ball-hocking reptile to handle. We found this one hiding at a local arcade. My daughter was able to lift it from a prison of beanbags, orangutans, and minions, among many other unsavory characters. Maybe this is a golden age for me and my daughter. Either way, I’m a proud and happy dad!
1. To be sure, several of the periods referred to as “golden ages” Were bookended by bloody conflict. The “golden” part of the age begins with some dominant group gaining supremacy over opposition and lording over their former adversaries with mercy and understanding.
2. Probably shouldn’t have said that. He’ll probably shut it down for sure if he thinks that’ll get him dictator cred.
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