GAR Week 1: A Utopia of Milk and Gas

The first week of trump’s “golden age” is behind us. Here’s my experience

I’m an American, a granfaloon if ever there was one. Like so many Americans, I depend on the local supermarket for, among so much other bric-a-brac,

1. Sustenance/nutriment

2. Cosmetic products,

3. Frivolous conveniences

4. Miscellaneous necessities

5. Etc.

Imagine my superlative joy when I learned that donald trump, our orange benefactor, would lift me from penury by mitigating the costs of the products in the above categories.

I hoped upon hope, wished upon wish, that the don’s influence would be such that my worldly hardships — at least those found at the supermarket — would be dispatched…dispatched with extreme prejudice.

I waited a little over a week to give Der trump the time to render aid. The first week of the new golden age has been underwhelming as concerns the grocery store and my bank account.

For instance –

Last week in my neck of the woods, the day before the second term of our carrot-hued messiah was set to begin, plebes like myself had to pay $0.50 for a pound of bananas. Thanks to the influence of our pumpkin-shaded executive, that cost has been reduced to $0.50 — a difference of nearly $0.00!

Here’s a chart…uh…charting the stark distinction in the price of groceries compared to just a week ago.

A few highlights — Greek yogurt lovers rejoice! The days of prohibitively expensive ethnic dairy products are over. Last week, 32 oz of the stuff would set you back $4.77! What’s the world coming to? Now that trump has brought about a new golden age, Thirty two ounces of creamy vanilla flavored protein is now only $4.77! That’s a decrease of 0%.

I recall the dark days when I was paying almost $0.35 per egg, but in trump’s new utopia, I’m only paying a little less than $0.35 per egg. This must be what people mean when they say “living the dream”.

The most significant gains have been at the gas pump and the product of bovine mammary glands. Last week, I watched the money get sucked out of my bank account by a machine filling my car with petrol, forking over $2.67 for every gallon of the stuff. For 16.34 gallons I paid $43.63. If I could’ve made it to this week, to trump’s golden age, that would’ve only cost $41.50. With the $2.13 I would’ve saved I could’ve retired comfortably.

On the 25th, I was in such a haste to exit Walmart, i.e. the vortex of Great Value sadness and ennui, I forgot to take a picture of the filling station. Picture/screenshot by author.

I have produced a chart showing the shrinking cost of gasoline should it continue to contract at the present rate of 5% per week –

If my calculations are correct, a gallon of fossil fuel will only cost $1 by late May, just in time for summer! And a scorching summer it will be! The don’s agenda of drilling and deregulation will surely rip a new one (quite literally) in the earth’s atmosphere.

I’m delighted to report a 2% reduction in the price of milk. Just last week, my daughter asked me to pick up a gallon of milk. I had to tell her the $2.78 was a bit out of the budget. Now that it’s $2.72/gal, I have a delicious source of protein with money to run my heater a few degrees warmer for 30–45 seconds.