If Our President’s Treatment of Zelenskyy is the Way an American in the Golden Age is Supposed to Act, I Don’t Want to be an American Anymore

When trump’s Second term began almost seventeen years ago¹, I shuddered at all the horrors that awaited. I knew that our maleficent tangerine would accost decency, good governance, and rational thought (among so many other commonly held values). However, I suspected that leader pumpkin would perpetrate these transgressions indirectly on individuals whose faces I could not see, whose plight wasn’t on full display for the world to see.

A Utopia of Milk and Gas

The first week of trump’s “golden age” is behind us. Here’s my experience –

For most out there (I like to think), it’s not too difficult to show compassion for those whose faces we CAN’T see. I submit that observing a humble, careworn, and bedraggled man fighting for the welfare of a NATION OF PEOPLE get gaslit and thoroughly browbeaten by an accordion miming sentient spray tan and his socially illiterate assclown of a VP would trigger even the most ardent, disengaged sociopath.

What we observed Friday in the Oval Office, dear readers, was gaslighting at its finest- a masterclass on bullying and reckless behavior.

Therefore, I’m giving comrade Goldfish Cracker six out of five lit gas cans for his gratuitously disparaging dialogue with President Zelenskyy.

I’m giving jd vance seven out of five large bottles of mouthwash. He’ll need a lot to wash the taste of sunless tanner and ass out of his mouth.

Atmosphere

Concerning “atmosphere”, or the first criterion discussed in the fourth installment of the much-lauded and critically acclaimed “Golden Age Reviewed” series –

GAR Week 4: “Golden Age” Defined

Go Go, Godzilla!

I give President Basketball a zero out of five accordions 140 times², or once for every time that President Organ Grinder Monkey mimed an accordion player with his freakishly small hands.

Cultural Contribution

I’m going back to week 5 for my review of recent cultural contributions.

Recall my half-crayon rating of the carrot-in-chief’s assumption of chairperson at the Kennedy Center. A handful of artists scheduled to perform at the prestigious venue canceled upon finding out that leader pumpkin was taking over as chair.

At the time, I thought damn right! Boycott! Then, I heard an interview with W. Kamau Bell, who did not cancel his performance because his appearance might very well be one of the last performances from a “wokey” minority. He explained how

“People say stay in your lane and we go, “No, no. Know your lane.” What can you do in the lane that you’re already in that can help make it easier on somebody who can’t do the work that you can do? That’s where it starts. People are like, “I’m going to go back to law school.” No, no, no. What are you doing now? “I’m going to start a nonprofit.” No, no, no. What are you doing now? And how can you start making that lane more equitable, more inclusive, more diverse where you are?”

I’m giving W. Kamau Bell five out of five presents for realizing the value of his presence at this moment –

Ingenuity

Believe it or not, orange cus-turd and his cadre of Alpha Beta alumni didn’t do anything to advance the understanding and technical knowledge of the human race, so I’m just going to share a fun fact I learned about honeybees.

Honeybees don’t have sex chromosomes like we do, instead they have bees that come from unfertilized eggs (drones/males) and bees that come from fertilized eggs (females/workers/queens). In that regard, it can be said that honeybees don’t have sexes, simply roles assigned at birth due to the number of alleles they have.

I can hear the conservative pundit exclaiming,

“Honeybees, have it figured out! A drone does drone stuff, a worker does worker stuff, a queen does Queen stuff. There are no drones taking chromosome supplements and going into the worker bee bathrooms or competing in queen bee sporting events!”

I don’t know about you, but a life of toil with no possibility of recognition or mobility is not a goal of mine. What’s more, those are bees; we are human beings — there really is no comparison.

Anyway, I’m giving honeybees three out of five jars of honey— one for fertilized eggs, one for unfertilized eggs, and one more for providing a sweet treat for us humans to enjoy. And it’s gold in color!

1. Gosh, it sure seems like it’s been years and years!
2. That’s correct; I counted the flaps. I don’t play accordion, but it seems to me that trump has all the talent, all the dexterity, to be a maestro of the instrument.